Gym Etiquette

I have been lifting weights for…since I was 16. (I’m getting older, so I don’t think I’m supposed to say how old I am anymore.) My high school weight room had a lot of rules. I still believe in them.

                No Hats

                Must wear shoes

                Warm-up properly

                Re-rack your weights (PROPERLY BITCHES!)

                Leave it better than you found it

                Get low

                Wider is better

Pretty simple stuff. When you go to public school and the weights and equipment have had to last…since the school opened in 1963…you appreciate the rules. Not only did it teach me proper etiquette, it taught me proper form for every exercise. We used almost 100% free weights. Power cleans, military press, bench press, squats, bicep curls, tricep exercises…I appreciate it all. I will use it for the rest of my life.

EXCEPT! That knowing all of this important stuff makes my gym-sperience semi aggravating. I have to see all of these people performing movements which are so clearly incorrect. And THEN…they don’t put their stuff back properly or at all…Gah!

Soooo…when working out in public OBEY:

1.       Re-rack your weights, 5s, 10s, 25s, in order, heaviest on bottom, don’t overload the top rack! (If you work out at 24, like I do, everything is clearly marked…so yeah…fucking read.

2.       Shoulder shrugs are fucking stupid. Quit performing the dumbest exercise directly in front of the mirror…not only blocking a pathway, but near all of the tiny lady weights that me and the old people need.

3.       Use proper form. If you can’t do an exercise properly with the weight you have, go lighter. If you have no fucking clue what the fuck you are doing…watch a YouTube video, or look around and see how the strongest, most fit people are doing it. (HINT: they aren’t swinging back and forth.)

4.       Do leg exercises. You know how we have genetically modified all birds to have ridiculously large breasts, but have not improved the legs?! You know how the chickens can’t stand up…that is how I see these fellows in the gym. Your legs are going to break…DO SOME SQUATS!!!! Also, calf raises don’t count.

5.       If you sweated all over something, at least wipe it with the towel…Gyms are filthy, I know…but I don’t want to be forced to intermingle sweats with everyone…

6.       Put your shit in a locker! Locks are not expensive. Why do you need some big bag full of stuff? Are you on a hike? Are you going camping? Is there an impending apocalypse I am not privy to? You don’t need a shake, protein bar, 9 shirts, 3 pairs of sneakers…

7.       You have rested enough…Now, get the fuck off the dip rack. 45-60 seconds of rest is plenty. Don’t get all bent out of shape when asked if I can work in while you “rest.” (Rest here same as: Chatting with other d-bags, fuxing with your phone, choosing a new song, tucking in your shirt…etc…)

8.       If you are the person working in, it is common courtesy to put the weight back to whatever it was. Also, move. You are working in, a guest in my sets…

9.       Don’t walk between the benches and the mirror. Give people room. People should be working hard, don’t get too near them. Yeah, you might have to wait an extra few seconds, but it will make you not an asshole.

10.   Exercises are not to be performed while blocking weights other people need. Shoulder shruggers, short barbells…get your weight and move the fuck out the way!

11.   If you are trying to get a 6 pack, the ab machine is not going to help you. Laying down and barely moving will not burn any of that fat off…get up and use the treadmill…then stop eating doughnuts.

12.   Squat racks are for squats. SQUATS!!

If you encounter too many idiots, as I do…try scowling. I get my extremely angry face on and no mother fucker stays in my way. Make sure you are aware of where you are. Be respectful of the people around you, no matter how poorly they are performing exercises. That is all.