How to make your lunch look better than everyone else’s

I admit I eat gross crap that in no way contributes to my nutritional well being…but since I’m already up here on my high horse I might as well make good use of my time before someone knocks me off.



Food Covered in Goop Sauce...



Step One: Don’t eat fucking Lean Cuisines.



Don't Eat This Shit Either



Listen: zero things that were packaged months ago, stored in plastic in a freezer and microwaved for 7 minutes could possibly taste good. I realize it is probably really easy to walk into your local freezer aisle and scoop all that crap into your cart, grab one every morning and then watch it boil around noon when your stomach is getting pissed at you for having skipped breakfast, but come on.

You CANNOT look me in the eyes and tell me that a) it tastes good or b) that it is even remotely filling. Those things are tiny. OF COURSE it is only 300 calories, there are like 4 bites in that box. There is a reason 8 minutes after you are have tossed out the fancy plastic tray you are reaching for the candy  dish/vending machine/stale doughnut box for something to actually satisfy your hunger. (Not that any of those things will help.) 

               

 I’ll only mention this one time : they smell.

There also only seems to be one choice…”Food schmered with Goop Sauce.” This is NOT real food. It may say “LEAN” and “CUISINE” on the side, but look around your lunch hour and I can almost guarantee that 99% of the people eating these things are not lean. These are the women (dudes who eat this crap deserve to be considered female) who constantly complain that they “just have a light lunch” but can’t seem to shed the pregnancy weight from 15 years ago. Eating actual food and taking a jog around the block now and again will help. Frozen food like substances with huge marketing budgets will not.

The lesson here is: eat anything but one of these and your lunch will automatically look more appealing. (Healthy Choice is also not a healthy choice…Rename it “TERRIBLE OPTION” and it will be more accurate.)

Step Two: Bring food you made.



This Could Be You



I’ll admit I go through phases just like every Tom, Dick and Harry where I buy my lunch several days in one week, but…nope that is all, I admit it. I often see people in the elevators coming back from a trip to the local McDonald’s or Jack [off] in the Box…and probably 30% of the people I work with eat from the in building café…this food is twice as expensive as it is good. (They do offer several vegetarian and vegan options which are clearly marked…I applaud them for that, but still, the food is not tasty.)

When I bring food from home even if it is just a sandwich, people go gah-gah over it. Often I think they ask, “That looks so good, what is it?” just to find out what I am actually eating, but fuck ‘em, it does look damn good. My go-to is a 1.5 quart mixing bowl filled to the brim with lettuce, spinach, cut veggies and some kind of protein. (Salad is seriously the easiest thing in the world.) I don’t have anything against uncooked tofu, so often times I cut some into chucks and marinate it in whatever dressing I chose. Sometimes the combination of veggies/dressing/protein I choose isn’t that good, but I eat it anyway. It is food after all, and the fact remains it will nourish my body.

Other salad topping protein sources:

• Spiced cooked lentils. Cook lentils per the package directions, use some kind of stock, or not. As they cook I add as much spice as I feel like that day, maybe some Sriracha. I haven’t tried many types of spices other than my go-to chili powder/cumin/cayenne taco meat substitute, but the ideas are endless—In fact I think I will do some kind of CAJUN spiced in the near future. Squeeze in some lime juice or adding fresh herbs (HER-BZ) is a good way to make a light fresh tasting lentil too! They go well simply, or with a follow-up sauté with your favorite cut veggies for a fajita-esk flava. (Fudge-eye-tuh) This option is packed with flavor, and I don’t typically use additional dressing. Salsa, if anything.
• Cut Marinated Tofu : Get a block of your preferred firmness of tofu and cut off a serving into equally bite sized cubes. You can marinate it and cook it off, or eat it “raw” (tofu is made by coagulating boiled soymilk and is therefore not actually a raw food) after it has soaked in some dressing for the morning or overnight. Or don’t marinate it…What do I care?




These Things Are Amazing


• Marinated Soy Curls : These things are the shit! They are a dehydrated food that is packed with protein. Like Tofu, they take on whatever flavor you introduce them to. When they are rehydrated they have a sort of chicken like texture. I often make my own BBQ sauce or water down some store bought and put a serving of Soy Curls in overnight, and then microwave them for a few minutes before dumping on my salad. With this protein choice I don’t typically use additional dressing. The BBQ sauciness is plenty good.

I almost always add half an avocado to my salad. ALSO, topping your salad with fruit and nuts is tasty. If you choose to do fruits you can often forego dressing b/c the fruit juiciness will be plenty drippy yummy flavor. A shake of black pepper helps too.



Left Over Fajita Filling on Salad



Forgot Dressing...Smashed Avocado



Man, I made that sound like a lot of work. It isn’t. Just like everyone will tell you, “it just takes a little planning.” Well thanks for nothing advice-hole, if I was able to plan do you think I would be in this predicament?!?! Just like anything, it is hard at first…but you’ll get used to it.

(*Random thought: Routines are hard at first b/c they take a long ass time. But once you get the rhythm it will take significantly less time to complete everything. Think of it as a different kind of training…runners only become faster b/c they practice.)

Third and Final Step: Put whatever you eat on a plate/in a bowl.

This Jazzes Up PB&J Too

NO, your old tomato sauce stained glad-ware DOES NOT make your food look appealing. Nor does that sandwich bag do anything to jazz up your PB&J. If you have a sandwich, cut it and put it on a plate. Chances are you are eating something else along with it (carrots, chips, grapes, etc…) throw that on the plate too. Serve yourself like a restaurant would. Even if you go to McDonald’s (COLLECTIVE GASP) and pay them for that crap, put it on a plate too.

If you brought a left over hunk of casserole that you totally schmered into a pile of unrecognizable glop, confidently put it in the middle of the plate and top it with sliced avocado, drizzle with complimentary sauce, or other miscellany that makes food look fancy.  Putting it next to a side salad also does wonders. I was told many years ago by my uncle that, “the difference between an amateur and a professional is the professional knows how to cover his mistakes.” It’s true.



Tell me you don't want to eat this and I'll know you're lying.



I guarantee if you put a ‘run of the mill’ PB&J and a bunch of grapes on a plate and set it next to your co-workers fancy leftovers that they shoved thoughtlessly into a Tupperware you will go for the sandwich every time.

These three things are relatively easy and take minimal time to complete. The 5 extra minutes you spend making a lunch and organizing it onto a plate will pay dividends. You may be 7 minutes later to work, you may have to wash more bowls, but you will eat better and all the people around you will goo and gah over the schmancy meals you bring to work.